2006-08-06
this is partially in response to the last entry
often times in life we set our expectations unrealistically high. perhaps it's because of a moral standard, or due to the influences of others, or just by being incredibly critical. we set impossible standards for those around us, ourselves, and sometimes any one else entitled with the right to breathe.
i am guilty of creating unrealistic expecations for one specific person. he's the person whom i'm supposed to love and adore, and to accept for who he is, and not who i expect him to be.
instead, i've developed this awful standard that i have made jake conform to. a sort of "boyfriend code of conduct".
gosh, and it's really too much.
i feel kp and the boys have influenced me to set my standards too high. they are demi-gods. titans.
growing up near-but not intimately with them has influenced me to believe any worthwhile boy has their qualities.
i grew up standing on the shoulders of giants, and its really too much of me to expect any boy to rise up to their class without actually being them.
i've also had this project to turn jake, inadvertently at first, into one of they. in a way, i wanted to force him into who i wanted him to be. i figured it would benefit both him and myself.
i figured i could teach him right and wrong. the difference between good boyfriend and bad boyfriend.
my experiment, although worthwhile at first, i discovered was fatally wrong. i can't play dr. frankenstein. i can't mold another human's life like putty.
i've kept telling him certain things he's sad and done have been mean or bad...
but i'm really the mean one for thinking he should change.
lives are not mine to mold.
drmingawake at 9:31 p.m.